On the Eve of the Presidential Inauguration

When George W. Bush was first elected, I was really quite dismayed because Bush seemed pretty incompetent to me. My litmus test while watching presidential debates is to ask myself - 'Now, if the Board of Directors asked me for my opinion of that candidate as the CEO of their company... what would I say?' Honestly, I'd have to size up Bush as nothing more than a rich man's spoiled son, thin on skills, stacking up a sizeable list of business failures, but still petulantly demanding the presidency as a birthright. More ominously, my gut instinct was that he was not only incompetent, but an alcoholic with something to prove... and willing to bankrupt the company to prove it. 'Run like hell' would be my advice to the Board.

After the election, a knowledgeable Republican friend of mine said to me, "You know what your problem is? You liberals don't stand for anything. That's why you can't win an election." Yeah buddy? And your momma! That's what I thought to myself. What I came up with as a retort was to boldly predict to my pal that by the time Bush left office, even he would sing a different tune. Based on my little gedanken CEO test, I predicted that Bush would make a fine mess of things.

And for eight long years - leading to a case of clinical outrage fatigue - I had to watch my prediction slowly come true. Our man Bush, like a cocaine snorting bull in a china shop, inexorably made a truly fine mess of things. What a legacy! From Bush's Folly in Iraq, to the Katrina debacle, to outing a valuable CIA covert asset out of spite, to losing a PR war against terrorism with the Abu Ghraib fiasco, to a near meltdown of our financial infrastructure... I mean, seriously, if the likes of Alberto Gonzales and Scott McClellan have written tell-all's to disavow and distance themselves from Bush... this has gotta be an absolute masterpiece of pure fuck-up. I mean, just about the only underling from Bush's administration not writing a tell-all is Michael Connell.

Anyway, tonight, on the eve of Barack Obama's inauguration, I am happy to report that not only does my Republican pal finally admit that I was right about Bush... but he's now miraculously an Obama supporter. What's more, I can now see that he was also right eight years ago. We liberals had lost our way, we forgot what we stood for, and as a consequence, we have had to wander lost in the wilderness for eight long years. But now we do. Now we know that we stand for all the things that are good in the world - things like truth, justice, equality, and liberty. Now we know that we stand for the rights provided in the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Now we know that we stand for building a better world.

So now, older and wiser, I would like to make another prediction - this time about Barack Obama. I predict that he may stumble, but he'll never fall - and that he will grow and mature and slowly transform himself into one of the greatest Presidents of all time. Why do I say this? Because of my CEO test - if a Board of Directors asked me for my opinion of Obama as CEO, I'd immediately say 'YES! whatever it takes, hire this man... he will bring your company to greatness.'

My take on Obama was that instead of being a rich man's spoiled son like Bush, Obama is, well, let me put it this way - Obama is to America what Steve Jobs is to Apple. Obama is absolutely brilliant as an innovator. He's totally cool and is pals with movie stars. He's focused pragmatically on results and revenue growth. He thinks different. Yes, like Jobs, Barack Obama has a reality distortion field, but he'll use it to revive the market cap of the U.S of A. But most importantly, like Steve Jobs, Barack Obama is bringing the power of the government to the rest of us.

So instead of John Hodgman and Justin Long in those cute Apple ads, we can use John McCain as PC and Barack Obama as Mac. Oh, and Bush is Vista. This sort of fits because under Bush and Cheney, the goal was for America to be all powerful and feared, like you-know-who. With Obama, our government is suddenly Redesigned. Reengineered, Re-everythinged. Even his Cabinet is like a nano-chromatic rainbow gathering, they're the best iPods ever! And reminiscent of the iPhone's debut, Obama's inauguration draws a crowd of millions, all giddy as Mac fans talking about multi-touch and GPS and hey, have you checked out the App Store lately? That's right! Say hello to iGovernment! Check out my cool new iBama! America is cool again!

All I can say is... our stock price is going up, baby, up!